Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Having moved on... or still moving, really.

I'm in Africa, now.

I suspect the chaos that were the last two weeks before my departure from Maryland helped as much as anything to usher in some peace in my life.

I still miss her, and I still love her. I don't I want her anymore, though. Towards the end, with me and Scott running around like crazed people trying to force my house (and life) into boxes, I started to feel as though I was actually healing. Real healing. Scarred, of course, but not bleeding anymore.

I began to think, and say aloud, that this is all S's loss. And I realized that, in the sum total, I know that I did right. It was, in fact, all her.

My life was a wreck -- and still is, to a certain extent. But I'm comfortable enough now to say that it's her fault. It is.

I have spent a lot of time since I started moving -- and carrying through the very moment I write this -- and I have come to a neat little wrap-up. Something with which I can rest. My soul can rest. No more not knowing...

And that is... well, that is S betrayed me. She cheated on me. And it is inexcusable. It is done. We are done.

It would be different -- vastly so -- if I was just dealing with her pain, her feelings, her insecurity, her doubt. But I'm not, and I wasn't. I've had to deal with someone else, too. Even if she doesn't see it that way.

She could have left, she should have left for all her own reasons... to think, to feel, to ponder, to reflect, to end it. But she didn't. She cheated on me with someone else, and she actively and purposefully mislead me into thinking it was always just us. I am ashamed that I let myself love her as much as I did, when all the while she was playing another side. Hiding another S.

So, Requiem it is. The end of that.

And Scott, and Hanna. Bless their hearts. They stood with me -- especially Scott. Through it all. And God knows it was ugly. I was ugly.

And others. And Brianne. Who, despite her own fears, is greatly responsible for reminding me that I'm an alright guy. I can be attractive to others. That my single purpose in life was not, is not to love S. It is to love and to be loved. I know I can love. I know that I deserve to be loved. And if not someone I've just met, then someone else. It'll happen.

Scary, though, this being alone. But I can do it.