Saturday, November 10, 2007
I am sad, shuttered. Distant. Removed. Separated.
It is time to escape again.
Instantly, mottled grey and khaki sweeps beneath me. Knees aching, my mind swimming. Her voice compels me further, but my breathing is labored.
A cloud of choking fog and soot parts as I charge it, but it's always there. Ahead of me. I will myself further.
For a moment, there is silence. Thoughts crash at me. A choir of doubt and sadness and longing echoes against the chamber walls of my mind. I alone listen. I alone can hear. It sounds like a dirge: unfair.
I ask to be loved but I am never there to return it. I am perpetually absent.
Absent: this refrain repeating itself again and again, in time with the swoosh-swoosh of blood against my eardrums.
Suddenly... erased. It is pushed aside; gone again, if only for noise. It waits just beyond the edge, though.
A moist, acrid wind pushes against me; I draw my face down. Before me and behind, I notice half-crescent dimples in soft gravel. They mark my path.
Every three feet or so, there is evidence of where I have been, and where I am going.
I make the last turn, and I remember being here before. I am brought to the same place I'd just departed. I am tricked. I am tricking myself.
Trapped in a circle.
I'm done now. Panting. Seated outside my tent beneath sickly yellow light. My elbows rest atop my knees. I realize nothing has changed. I am not escaping.
A smile cracks. Beneath me, little drops collect and turn the grey cement black. It feels like I went somewhere. Like I tried.
Posted by ~Justin at 8:16 PM