Friday, May 4, 2007

I can't swallow my own wisdom

I am exhausted. I would much rather be sleeping, but I promised myself that I'd relate something that happened to me last night (again, just before heading to bed.)

A coworker asked how long S and I had been together. I replied by telling her two years. She then asked if I was angry over the waste of time, or if I regretted it.

Without thinking, I said, "No. I was happy; it was beautiful. I don't regret what we had, even though it ended like it did. I don't reflect on those two years as a waste, at all. They were perfect. I only regret how it ended. That it ended. I regret losing what I imagined -- what we imagined -- would be our life together."

As I type this, I'm reminded of that damned Frasier episode. "You're not grieving over having lost your girlfriend, you're grieving over the life you thought you'd have." How true. But maybe not. I think I grieve for both.

5 comments:

Gloria said...

grieving who you thought your girlfriend was, and grieving the relationship. i know that one well.

Abhinav said...

I just read all of your posts, I was linked here by INPY.

I like you, man, and I think that eventually, somewhere down the line - 1, 2, 3 years from now - you'll have grown enough as a result of this experience to see it in hindsight for what it was.

You're writing is intelligent, so I am going to plead with you here to take what has happened to you and re-frame it. It's not a failure, mistake or tragedy. It's a beautiful oppurtunity from which to grow.

Some thoughts I had while reading:

You seem to be trying to achieve some closure upon the relationship. You stated earlier that you were ready to forgive her, implying that she is at fault. At the same time, you write that you still love her.

I think that as long as you continue to view this woman with this dichotomy, you will continue to puzzle yourself.

Having been where you are, I would like to say that this closure you want - putting this woman behind you and continuing your life - is better achieved by answering several simple questions:

What did you do that led her to cheat on you?

Why were you so dependent upon her?

In reality, is she the woman you thought she was?

What constituted your concept of love?

Why do you feel like you can't continue without her?

Why did your relationship fail?

mm said...

I came over here from INPY.

I don't know anything about your situation, but I do know leaving a two year relationship is fucking hard. It's going to take you months to get over her and you're going to be miserable for awhile.

All you can really do is take all the lessons you learned from this relationship and apply it to the next one that is bound to come up in....I give it 6 months to a year.

In the meantime, try not to think about her and go out with your friends. Don't focus on rebounds, as that will only make you miss her more. Just gow out and have fun, read some books, do some soul-searching. Think positive. Do not sit at home and brood.

Good luck, man.

Kristin said...

I came here through INPY, too, and have spent some time catching up.

Damn, you break my heart. I wish you well, though. I don't suppose it matters much the exact nature of the grief. It's just there. And awful.

Lee said...

It seems like that's the hardest part of losing someone...losing the life you loved having with them and had hoped to continue having. The mental shift that requires...it's difficult, and never immediate.

Hope that every day is a little easier than the one before.